November 24th, 2004
|12:20 pm - hey kids!|
ay what's up kids? well, let's see..lots of crap has happened.
i gained weight from mah meds>.< 1800 mg of mood stabilizer an 2.5mg (pill) of a tranquilizer. blech!
got new south pole jacket an shirt. ^_^
me and aaron are friends again. ^_^ yay! don'tchu LOVE how i eat ice cream cones? ^_~ fo real!
( more about mah dayCollapse )</font>
( survey about me!!Collapse )
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: young buck- ride wit me
November 19th, 2004
|08:46 pm - to a dear friend..you know who you are|
don't read this if you are uncomfortable. don't say i didn't warn you.
okay, no shame, no silence, no fear is something i saw runnin in an lj once. its for rape victims. yes, i said RAPE. i am a victim of sexual abuse, sexual assault and sexual harrassment. for those of you afraid to speak out, i am. maybe this will help you stand up for yourself because you deserve to get help of any kind or maybe this will feel less alone. i would've never been able to do this had i not had maryann to support me when i finally went to my counselor and told her about the harrassment i was unwantingly getting from a guy. the assualt i talk about in therapy.more private.
i think whether you know the person or not, it is all the same :terrible, frightening, confusing, hurtful,demeaning,painful in a physical way..as in your mind heart and soul are in pain also,and most of, WRONG. no one asks for it. you cannot prepare for it, you cannot want it. its not the person's fault whatsoever.
you were sexually harrassed by the same person who did me and assaulted me. i feel your hurt and i feel all that i felt before i went to tell. it's weird. you know you're doing the right thing to help but you at the same time feel exposed. as if you were standing naked before them. scary, yes, but i had to tell. one, for my safety and sanity. my second reason is so this wouldn't happen to other girls. unfortuantely, it did, and i can't help that, but im doing my best to get you the help you need and be there for you.
and, i havn't told anyone this before but even though i didn't have my parents telling what clothing was TOO SEXY, or stopping me, and i was still dressing sexy after i was pimped out by a friend (ex friend for a while now), i didn't WANT to let it go. so many people ask me why i don't cover up or wish they could be as confident as me....im really not.its about control:
i get the desired reaction, i achieve my goal.
i maintain control by going as far as saying i want a phone number from someone to convincing someone to pick up the tab.
knowing you can attract total strangers by looks alone makes you feel powerful. like you can have anything.
having anything means telling them what to do :
being in control.
see, control plays a big part in it. so, i talk the talk and walk the walk. do i try to dress sexy cause i like it, yes. but its so hard. but im trying. sometimes they say dressing sexy will be the reason it'll "happen again." don't believe that. i got assautled when i wasn't looking my best. so whatever has happened to you. get help. speak out to a trusted friend, family member or adult. im sorry for what happened to you, but please, get help.
i love you and can't bare to see the hurt in your eyes.
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: tori amos - schoolnight
November 18th, 2004
|07:31 pm - yo !|
( teenage garbage..lolCollapse )
so im chillen wit mah homegirls dis weekend. what's fuckin awesome is im finally makin tyme fo mahself. you know how i roll " OMG! FRIENDS,FAMILY,GROCERIES, POLITICTS,CLASS, ETC!" oh yeah.." and ....uh..oh yeah..me!" haha. so ima quit clownin mah crew on how ima take care of mahself and actually do a good job at it. i ain't gonna half ass it. and im not ashamed of myself. fo tha longest time i was lyk " i don't give a fuck. but its so unfair!!"but really, i was so insecure wit mahself. now im proud of myself,, even tho i got shyt to deal wit dat most people don't. but hey, what don't kill you, makes you stronger. fo real. im jus learnin faster on dis thing..im jus prayin dat i don'tphuck dis up lyk i've done earlier in mah life. and i pray fo ya'll havin hard times. even tho im wiccan, i'll pray for ya'll. ^_^
( baby c's comments ...lolCollapse )
we all go thru our phases. and to each his own. it ain't for me, but whatever. im back to mah ice, bandanas,big t's, timbs, hi top chucks/sneakers, heels, mini skirts, rubber bands and jeans, hats tilted lyk a pimp ( inside joke),etc. im mahself and sum cats aint feelin it. but PHUCK THEM. everyone in mah middles school in loudon knows dat's me. i loved how dey used to say" this goth thing is a phase. we see right thru it. and you look uncomfortabel where you at in lyfe.but we're always gonna be there for you. breathe child, its gon get betta in time." i love dem cats. dey was right. fo sho. its still takin me a while to get back in mah own skin cause of all tha hatin goin on..but im cool.
thanks to friends lyk rebecca, largo,dani, j fa..*sings* abcdef..j?,"bob dole" ( I LOVE YOU! *hugs*), baby c, ace, moe moe, and danny im mahself and dey neva judge me. im makin more friends an gettin closer to people who aren't mah "close friends." which is cool. im glad. im learnin to make better friends cause god knows i deserve now after all tha crap i put myself thru or went thru in otha aspects of mah lyfe.
so i was talkin bout culture today and mah GOD! i could go on foreva, and eva! and i guess, im accepting and always wanting to know more. its not bad, but sometimes i really wish people could be just as open as i am sometimes. 4 of us, including ms. sj(who is SO AWESOME!) are all pisces. so cool! and if you look up the profile or whatever for pisces all 4 of us match it PERFECTLY! lol. of course we add to it , since we're individuals but it was crazy!! bananas! ^_^ and of course we talked about tattoos and piercings cause we keep it real. we can't go a day wit out it. well, maybe jus one. haha. its hot tho. and it makes me think more about what i'll do when im 18. i dun wanna be livin at home tho. ima say dat much.
well..dat's all i can say right now. havn't updated in a while so i thought i would. ooh, and ghetto_bird added me as a friend. yay!! oh, speakin of dat, no one's really been updatin tha communities. :/
Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: fabolous f/ nate- can't deny it
November 14th, 2004
|07:18 pm - ya babygurl, tha freak a leek ^_^|
( fun,fun ^_~Collapse )
"you can be mah wife/but only fo tonite" its by young buck and i was thinkin..dat line kinda fits me. i mean, i've been in love once and im not sure if i could eva do it again. maybe its cause i don't fall in love easy. i dunno. i jus lyk bein flirty and single. im into serious relationships unless i REALLY lyk who im wit. guess ima playette fo lyfe. *shrugs* wouldn't be dat bad. i dunno... but when im wit sumone im dedicated. im ya ride or die chick. ya down ass bitch. im ya gurl, and only yours. course, dis neva goes both ways usually. *sigh* but all dey is missin is a freak a leek and a loyal girl!! hah! yo loss!!
well, talked to THA BOI ( yes, dis is still goin on cause we flirts) and he asked if i was goin to school tomrrow and a lil mindless chat. he's so sweet to me. and he's all talk bout how he misses me. *cue awwwwwws! from audience* yeah, its so cute. he acts lyk he doesn't care sumtimes, but den tha next day he's all super sweet or we talk for hours. aww, he always makes a lil time for me. how cute. i really wish we'd hook up, but not while im in tha hospital. that's icky
Current Music: petey pablo- freak a leek
|10:38 am - ^_^|
im startin to wonder what tha PHUCK is so "great" about mah school. dey restrictin tha dresscode in tha craziest ways and tha rules ain't makin sense. lyk, taking back sunday couldn't come cause dey thought we was gonna party. what's up wit dat?
but tha dresscod isn't really being inforced til i noticed a few days ago sum shyt dat happened to mah gurl. its lyk in dat joint dat goes "why do dey care more about ya son's braids den his grades?" summin lyk dat. why is dat? i mean, is it so HARD to believe tha way you dress ain't got nuthin to do witcha smarts? guess so.
butchu kno here's sum crazy shyt dats gon on:
- no colored shoelaces ---> dey could represent gang colors..ooh..scary!! *rolls eyes* we got so many fake thugs it ain't even funny
- no shoelaces as headbands
- no pj pants --> ihear dis is gon be changed eventually or teachers can say its "inapropriate" if dey think it is. what??
- no sweats--> dis is real phucked up. dey dun say nuthin if its school athletics butchu get heat if it isn't. an im talkin if yo threads have a hip hop label on it, you're more likely to get sum heat.
- no wifebeats but..tha guys wear 'em anyways and gurls get yelled at fo it.
- no writing on your hand --> dis is only wit sum staff cause dey think you could be writin gang symbols. wuteva.
- no gang colors --> ANYTHING could be a gang color. so if you thugged out dey automatically go and say " come here for a minute." oh Lord.
- no head coverings which is starting to look lyk dey addin headbands to tha list. cause i've seen gurls get yelled at fo 'em.
wuteva. hatas. i see it lyk dis : if sum fool is gonna rep his gang colors its HIS problem, not mine. cause if you ain't in a gang, you really dun gotta worry. jus go bout yo business. i know school is supposed to be safe but it ain't. you neva really safe unless yo in ya own home. well, sumtimes it ain't even safe there. but you should at least feel safe in ya crib.
ima look at new kicks today wit mah homegirl and possibly go look for sum new threads for her and mahself. i saw sum black and blue pumas and dis lil shawty goes" damn..gangs are even cashin in. look at da colors." i ain't mad, butchu kno,we gotta have our way of dress too. one of mah bois wants to get thug life tatooed on 'em sumwhere obvious. i was lyk "boi, you dun get it now." he's lyk " no..cause i'll argue it ta deaf!" haha.. crazy boi gon get suspended ova a tatoo. but i hear its gon look hott so i wanna see!!
i saw tha cutest lookin thugette and she had on a lil doo rag. i've neva thought dey looked dat good on gurls but she looked ADORABLE!! awwww!! and i was ova at tha piercing pogoda and DAYUM dey expensive. so im going to tha otha lil booth in tha mall to buy sum ice. i really wanna buy a thick chain first but dat's too much outta mah paycheck so ima buy a lil one instead after i do mah xmas shoppin cause i promised mah gurlie we'd gettin matchin ones. XD lol, we're such dorks. i found dat nautica t-shirt fo moe moe ( her an i are tha nautica twins. nautica,tommy, and sum otha label are comin back in tha hip hop fashion again in tha burn and possibly mah school. its cute so im down wit it.)now, all i gotta do is see if dey got tha color she lyks.
i told moe moe i want a bandana or hat for xmas. she lyk " damn, t's ,hats, bandanas..its a ghetto xmas." lol. now all we need to get sumthin dat comes wit a free gift and tha person who gives it to us will jack tha free gift. that's ghetto. her auntie last year bought her tha lil victoria secrets set wit a purse and perfume..
her auntie JACKED tha perfume!!
we still laughin bout dat when we see "buy this get this free" type deals. dayum..so dis year we're REALLY excited to see what her auntie is gon give her. haha.
Current Music: mario - you should let me love you
November 13th, 2004
|08:13 pm - talked to homeboi! yay!!|
i talked to mah homeboi,partner in crime, babyboi,best friend, brotha,ladies man : ACE! man, crazy stuff has happened to tha both of us and he told me to cool mah temper and he's try to stay out of trouble as much as he could. so we're workin on our issues in life and supportin eachotha. been on a long time since we chilled or talked. it was sweet, he was lyk " if you eva need me, call me. if you're bored, you should talk to me. hopefully we can chill or talk sumtime. i miss you. " and i said some stuff and said take care and he's like " you too. i hope you get better." awww!! so i hope he has fun tonite.
might see baby c tomorrow, im chill wit dat. but if dat doesn't happen i'll be sad. :( we havn't chilled in a YEAR! we're always busy partying, chillen or can't get rides. ace and baby c live in tha burn, which is a bit of a ways. waaa! but its all good. we keep in close contact.
what else? me and mah ex boifriend's connection died.its just not there for me. i wanna be friends but it seems he still wants me. what's a girl to do?ooh well.
( friend stuff and possible get togethers. ^_^Collapse )
what else? oh yesh, i lyk a couple people. a few girls to be exact. ^_^ yay for me!!! weeeeee!! hopefully., ima have a boo. if not, i'll still be happy being single. *squeals* gotta keep mah pimp hand strong. lol. ima bounce.
Current Mood: creative
Current Music: pitbull- toma
November 11th, 2004
|04:50 pm - shyt hit tha fan today..|
well, shyt really hit tha fan for me when i found out how unhappy mah sistah is. she ain't blood related, but it feels lyk it sumtimes. rumors an shyt be flyin cause her ol homegirl wants attention, which is typical teenage garbage, but she plays tha victim so well, dat she's foolin a lot of peeps. moe moe was lyk "i can't believe she's CLOWIN DEM!" i was lyk " i know, i always thought she plays tha victim so well." and she was lyk " we ain't acqaintinces.di is an example of an acquaintence." an i know mah sistah/homegirl moe moe had to straighten dat shyt out. she told me so. so shanika is makin urvybody's lyfe hard. i hate dat. but abby is really cool. an i thank God dat she's been thurr for mah moe moe. i was lyk" gurl, you look miserable today. don't say you's fine cause i know you ain't." her crew...well most of dem , dun lyk me for OBVIOUS reasons. sum of tha gurls are jealous of me, sum of dem dun lyk me cause of how i used to dress and think im "stealin" dey style (wuteva..lyk medaphore said "phuck a hater." wise words , im tellin ya. you can't let dem pull you down.), sum of dem know im in tha hospital and think im crazy or whateva, and shyt. its so stupid and superficial. and its dumb of dem to be talkin. sum of those gurls look lyk chickenheads and think dey tha shyt..but sumhow when i wear something dat looks good IM tha chickenhead. whateva, its stupid highschool drama. and i dun care cept fo tha fact its hurtin moe moe.
and tha otha thing, cause me and moe moe are halfies ( me : half white/half asian. her: half black/half white) dey treat us different. lyk dey make fun of da way she flows sumtimes cause it sounds "white" an im lyk "ya'll are hatin. and ya'll sound pretty fuckin racist wit sum of tha shyt you be sayin." isn't dat messed up? people addin race to tha drama. and i don't take dat shyt lightly.an i don't care who ya are. ima flat out tell you to your face : you're messed up.
i hate racism. HATE IT.
so, i explained what a blicky was to moe moe and she was laughin and here comes our token white boy ( funny dats what he calls him self even tho her an i are halfies) goin " blicky? ima call mahself blicky." we didn't tell him what it meant til he tried to introduce himself as dat to one of our bois. haha. silly boi.
*listens to young buck -shorty wanna ride wit me* its an okay joint. anybody agree? when i buy an album, i dun wanna buy it an lyk only ONE song. i wanna lyk a few, or sumtimes tha whole album. tupac, i could listen to his albums over and over. his WHOLE album.
yes, he's that good.
hah..sean tried to be the "albino tupac" for halloween. i jus heard it from mah cali crew. he was dressed lyk tupac to tha t and had tha tat done in tatoo marker so it'd wash off, and since he's white he says he's the "albino tupac." boi is CRAAAAAAAAAZZYY!!
im head out to tha burn dis weekend and see mah homegurls or dey gon come here. im excited :D
Current Mood: creative
Current Music: tha radio - 93.9 dc's hometeam!!
|08:03 am - iigth..time to update cause its tha a.m.|
so what's good kids?
dayum, we were talkin bout fake and real yesterday which i talked about wit mah homegirl in cali bout last night online. she knew i was spittin tha truth and she got a lil mad cause she still "can't be me." im lyk "gurlie you dun wanna be me. ima mess right now." mami, why you gotta kirk out cause ya can't be me? wassup gurlie? i wish she'd jus learn to accept herself instead of fakin it. i mean, i can be articulate and speak "lyk a white gurl" lyk sum of mah crew says..and its cool cause god knows you ain't gonna scrawl, " sup teach?" as a draft in a paper dat says "write a letter to your teacher explaining why you're missing school tomorrow." dat shyt ain't gonna fly.
but when im wit mah gurlies, we speak spanglish when we can, and we flow. we say whateva we want. and im suck of these fucks tellin me i can't "talk lyk dat cause it sounds ghetto." FUCK YOU! you ain't me. you dun do tha things and i do..and dat's cool. but dun tell me what to do. dun fuckin tell ME how to talk. so what if you think its "ghetto." i dun giva a fuck. i am who i am, so deal wit it.
i know baby c was lyk "glad ya back gurlie. we was worried when you kirked out on us." i mean, its good to be back. i know if i hadn't been pressed into a box i prolly wouldn't have branched out into being punk or goth or whatever. i was jus running out of "acceptable things" to do.and dressing preppy jus made mah fam look at me funny. lyk "ay, dat ain't her. what she pullin?" course dey wasn't a fan or tha goth/punk look eitha. and raver jus signified drugs or whateva. and let me tell you, i dun believe ya'll let me walk around and act lyk a fool. baby c was lyk " i kno you and you kno me. and i kno dat whenever you got to flow tha way you wanted to and dress how you want you looked INCREDIBLY chill. well, more chill den you was." and she's right.
and ain't sorry if bein in tims and a hoodie is comfy fo me. im tellin ya'll i dun want shyt bout how i look "hood" and how i should "knock it off." ya'll can fuck yaselves if dats wutchu want. i saw one of mah buddies from jr. high and she was lyk "baby! you look so good! i mean, how are you? but god you look good!!" and she lyks mah chucks. lol. she's got i <3 and her boyfriends' name on it. well, guy of the moment. lol. dats mah playette!
gurlie, she got her pink tims, playmate trucker hat, playmate tank top and ecko light bloo jeans and..dayum. shorty, she's sooo fly! i looked a bit bummish. she's lyk "dayum gurl...you make it look good tho." gary was lyk "dayum! if mah gurl looked dat good rollin out i'd be happy. but lately she lookin SKANKY!" and his boo jus laughed cause we all straight wit eachotha. it was cool. and culo came on her ipod and we, bein tha ghetto ass folk we is, we jus started DANCIN and bein in tha nice tysons galleria mall,dat jus didn't fly wit everyone. tha peeps at tha starbucks jus STARED! we got our act 2getha and we went to drool at chanel,gucci,dolce and gabana,juicy courture,coach,louis vuitton and burberry.
so, im choosin friends betta dis year an im disposing of tha backstabbers,hatas, and jus straight up dawgs. i don't need dat shyt. so, ima chill wit homegirl dani on...sunday i believe. its all good. i jus need peeps to chill wit dis weekend. maybe i'll see if kelly wants to do sumthin? i dunno.
yes kids, im finally happy wit mahself, and figured out dat i shouldn't be ashamed of how i really am. so..
SCREW THA HATAS!!
^_^ the end.
Current Mood: chill
Current Music: pitbull f/ lil jon - culo
November 7th, 2004
|01:54 pm - what's good babe?|
well, im chillen and i was in a couple new communities i joined.
damn, one of mah homegurls goes " damn, you sold out."
what tha fuck? cause im not goth or whatever anymore. what a bitch.
( talkin bout lil booCollapse )
*sings along* i love it when you call me big papa..
lol. so anyways, im still designin shyt and told mah moms bout it and she's all excited fo me. i've got ideas out tha wazoo. let me tell you, its BITCHIN! im makin leopard print mini's, purple zebra print mini's, red microfiber mini dresses with a v-neck cut, terry cloth halter tops, black leather lowrider pants, soft sweatshirts with my label on it,and maybe a terry cloth bag. its all i have for ideas at the moment.i've got so many ideas for names for my label tho..either french vanilla love, or vanilla love, or sassy (sexy audacious sweet, you) or just sexy and sweet. hm..im having a hard time pullin names or deciding on one.
( random memoryCollapse )
so, i heard corn rows are expensive. yikes! so im havin one of mah gurlies do it for me. i havn't done them in ages, and can never keep 'em in long enuff cause im always playin wit mah hair, so ..enuff said. moe moe and i need to chill. seriously, i havn't seen her in what feels lyk ages. i jus need to be wit mah crew.
i've noticed not too many white gurls get buck so whenever i do, people be starin. i think its funny as fuck. its lyk..if i'd been a black gurl, people wouldn't be all up in mah face bout it. ya kno? *shakes head* weird people. i've noticed not everyone remembers me how im dressin now, but at least im comfortable. i don't give a fuck if no one likes it, but so far its been cool. cept sum shitface asked me "why would you hang wit dose damn punk goth kids? dey fucked up." shyt yeah, sum of 'em are, but sum of 'em are mah homies..so you best shut ya damn mouth or ima go buck wild on ya.
damn, feels good to jus type lyk dis. i get so much " you should talk lyk a white gurl" dat...i jus do in public. but den..dat's bein fake so im workin on jus "showin mah true colors". if you get it. i ain't mad , im straight. so ya'll dun gotta worry bout nuthin.i kno kim is STILL tryin to be lyk me, but shit son, you's ain't neva gon be me. she's mah gurlie an all, but bitch gotta check herself sumtimes. fo real.
still cleanin shyt outta mah closet an to tell you tha truth i wanna kno : how tha hell did ya'll let me act a fool? rockin black lipstick and shyt lyk dat? dayuuuuuum. lol. i must admit, sum of dat shyt was CRAZY AS FUCK!! mah closet's really startin to shrink. it fuckin looks lyk its been liposuctioned to death. im still throwin out shoes too.
im still babblin bout talkin back sunday comin to our school. ^_^ whooooooo!!! its..2 days away.
Current Music: eminem f/ dr. dre and x-zibit - track 15